A poem about a mom, her daughter, and her illness experience.

You would never know,
I was fighting to live since long ago;
The inside of my mind was a living hell,
I tried so many times to explain how I felt,
But my words and tears never made sense to anybody else.

You probably guessed,
The doctors kept saying I would do well,
Only if I would stop getting drunk every day,
So, I blamed myself.

You would never know,
That the smile I wore was never my own;
The lies I told were to protect everybody else
From myself.

You could not tell,
How I let my shame tear me apart from the inside out;
Prayed to forget the pain that was gnawing at me every day,
Kicked my heart until I went numb;
And the feelings that I was drowning in,
Found a home in my bottles of gin.

Now you know, 
How I let my dirty little secret swallow me whole;
Let self-doubt, fear, and impatience guide my days;
Created different versions of myself,
Instead of facing my uncomfortable truths;
The characters I would act out,
Would transform depending on who I was around.

I spent most of my time with you,
Trying to prove to myself that I had no pain;
Spent afternoons laughing away,
All the lyrics we got wrong,
For the songs we sang off-key;
Poured paint onto blank canvases until they were drenched,
In bright colors that mirrored the abundant pure joy we felt.

I hope that you can tell,
I fought hard to be the mom that you deserved;

I want you to be unconditionally loved,
To grow stronger each day,
And learn not to get in your own way;
Lead a life where you hold firmly onto your dreams,
Nestle them gently inside your own heart,
And walk gracefully into a future that you can shape,
Through your willpower, resilience, and vision.